Aspiring writer in need of some constructive criticism?

* Chapter One *





Wait, has he been here all year? How come I’ve never seen him before? Of course I notice the last day of school…


Ashlyn sat tapping her freshly manicured nails on the armrest, her eyes focused across the auditorium.


“He looks new, never noticed him before…” Elle squinted at him, “maybe foreign exchange student?” she smiled and raised her eyebrows at Cami. The two laughed keeling over in their chairs.


“You guys!” Ashlyn whipped around to face them, “Focus! I need status on this boy, and quick. He’s already sitting with Aubrey,” she turned around and centered in on him, “I won’t allow him to make friends with them first.” Ashlyn watched with a mixture of disgust and jealousy as Aubrey and her clique laughed and flirted with cute new boy. She snapped a quick picture on her baby pink iPhone and turned around to face the girls.


“And so, we are glad to announce that this year has been a success in many ways…” the principle, Mr. Boirs, spoke into the microphone...
Aspiring writer in need of some constructive criticism?
Okay... I think that it was good but there are definately a couple things that you could do to make it better. First of all, I think that the first chapter should get people%26#039;s attention better. I was having a hard time getting into the story. You have to make it so the reader wants to keep going. Have something there to grab their attention. Another suggestion, would be that you shoud either have a. a little less dialogue, or b. a little more of what the people are thinking or feeling. You need to show more and do less telling. I know that it%26#039;s hard to blindly accept what other people that you don%26#039;t even know say about your writing. I mean, they aren%26#039;t the only people that have their opinions and they don%26#039;t know your story quite yet, but I still think that you should try to do the things that I told you. I think it could be really good if you did. I mean, it%26#039;s good anyways, but i think it would make it even better.


No offense, your writing is good already and you obviously don%26#039;t have to do what I said. Either way it will be good.


Hope I could help! Good luck!!!!
Aspiring writer in need of some constructive criticism?
You are a good writer, girl! Right away I got a picture of the characters and the kind of school they were in. I would say you have a great start. Warnings would be to keep it original! There are lots of books and movies made in the %26quot;mean girls%26quot; style so be sure to incorporate originality to the characters and plot. For example, I would be careful to not go overboard on people being mean, nice, pretty or popular. In real life, things are more subtle... and if you master this in writing it can actually be more biting and icy than over-exaggerated scenarios or people. Btw, none of this is stuff I see in your work so far, but just wanted to warn you since you%26#039;ve chosen this genre. Good job and good luck!